I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
