i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
