Can i not drive my cunt home
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
