is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
