The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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