Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Are we still banned from the library?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
