i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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