I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
