Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
