Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
