Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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