Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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