$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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Watching her eat just hurts me
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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