I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
