It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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