If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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