Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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