So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
