I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
