Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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