In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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