And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
