Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
