Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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