the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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