Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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