you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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