Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
