she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
