I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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