I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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