Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
