My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
