There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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