I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
