is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My cat gives me a boner
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
