When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
