she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
