I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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