Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
