I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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