This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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