Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
