Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
