I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
