I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
