i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
