I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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