After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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