I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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