Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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