Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
