what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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