Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
