I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
