I have demons in me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
