So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
