i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
