Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
