plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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