Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
